Anyone ever heard that Steve
Douglas on My Three Sons is a serial killer? I didn't write this and it's been
around for a while, but I think it's hilarious.
Mrs. Steve Douglas. When we first
meet the family, in 1960, Steve Douglas is a putative widower raising sons
Mike, Robbie and Chip with the help of an old man named Bub, allegedly the
boys' maternal grandfather. Although Chip is hardly more than a toddler, no
mention is ever made of the late Mrs. Douglas, beyond the fact that her
untimely death leaves her husband free to date.
Bub. In 1964 the jolly
grandfather, perhaps beginning to suspect that his daughter's death several
years earlier was no accident suddenly disappears. Dad tells the boys that Bub
has gone to "visit his mother in Ireland" and will be back soon. It
seems dubious that Bub, a man in his 70's, could have a living mother, but the
trusting sons fall for it.
In that same episode a mysterious
seaman arrives at the Douglas home. Dad convinces the boys that this rough
character is their "Uncle Charley" who will stick around to help out
until Bub comes home. Eight years later Bub has still not returned.
Mike. Eventually the eldest son
reaches an age at which he might begin to question his father. Thus, a year
after Bub vanishes, Mike disappears. First Dad tells Robbie and Chip that Mike
has gone on a honeymoon- and then he announces that Mike has "moved
east." Mike never returns.
Ernie's parents. Down one son,
Steve Douglas begins to take special interest in Chip's little pal, Ernie, who
has been hanging around the Douglas' home for a couple of seasons. When Ernie
is orphaned, Steve generously offers to adopt the boy. No mention is ever made
of how Ernie's parents met their premature death, but it is not long after this
that the Douglas clan flees their Midwestern home for California.
(An even more bizarre note:
Though it had been established that Chip and Ernie were in the same grammar
school class, once Ernie becomes the new third son, Dad claims Ernie is younger
than Chip and forces to go back several grades in his new school.)
Robbie. In California Robbie
marries a college friend and promptly seed her with triplets. Robbie, still a
teenager, cannot afford to provide for his spawn. Dad invites Robbie, Katie and
the triplets to live under his roof. Two years later Robbie is gone- though the
pretty Katie continues to live with her missing husband's father. Visitors are
told that Robbie is "away on a business trip" though when the series
leaves the air, Robbie is still gone.
We can only wonder how long it
was after the series ended its run that lunkhead Chip or ditz Ernie finally
asked Dad one question too many and joined Mom, Bub, Mike and Robbie on the
long vacation "to visit Bub's mother""on
business""back east."
Russ McDermott